Our Birth Story

This story has been in my head for exactly one year today. I am so eager to share it and tell our birth story. I say our birth story because there was definitely a piece of me born the day Scarlett was born. The mother in me was born.

Let me start by saying this was MY story and in no way am I trying to scare or traumatize anyone. I know for a lot of women who are pregnant/haven’t given birth yet it already conjures up a lot of fear, but I want to share this because I think it would have really helped me to read a story like this before I gave birth. No birth story is the same and I think everyone needs to be prepared for the unexpected.

To my Scarlett James…

You are the light of my life and you are far beyond anything I could have ever dreamed. Your soul is pure light. Everyone who meets you is touched by your spirit. Your little body is so full love and life. You’re my inspiration behind this little blog of mine and I hope to make you proud with it. I am honored to be your mama and to watch you grow! Happy Birthday Baby! Here’s how our story began sweet girl….

My water broke on Monday February 5th at around 12:30am. My due date was February 4th. I was exactly 40 weeks pregnant. I had a beautiful pregnancy. I was sick in the first trimester but other than that it was a dream. I had zero swelling, even though I gained 47 pounds haha! And just like my pregnancy my labor was honestly amazing up until a certain point. I’ll get to that in a minute. So, my water broke which was a surprise to me because the percentage of women who go into labor because their water broke is actually much much smaller than you think, that’s how it happens in the movies but not in real life. Usually, the Doctor has to break your water when you get to the hospital. My water broke on it’s own and I was actually excited that I went into labor that way, naturally! Scarlett was ready to meet us and came on her own terms, I love that about our story.  I woke up, had to go to the bathroom (the first of many in a typical night for a 40 week pregnant woman). I went to the bathroom and felt a small like pin pop feeling in my lower abdomen followed by what I thought was urine…so I didn’t think anything of it. I wasn’t in any pain at all so I didn’t give it a second thought. When I got back into bed, I told Braden what I felt and he just said "that’s great babe" and rolled back over half asleep (we laugh about this now) well when he rolled over, that’s when I felt it,  the gush of water and I knew. I yelled “MY WATER BROKE” and when I say Braden sprung out of bed, I honestly have never seen a man jump like that! The next few minutes were a frenzy. My sister and parents were already in town staying with us and waiting for baby girl to arrive so I ran and told them my water broke and every one was moving so quickly and next thing I knew Braden and I were in the car on the way to the hospital. My parents and sister were coming once we got checked in and settled. Everyone thought it was going to happen quick because my water broke. haha. On the way to the hospital, I started to feel contractions but I wasn’t in much pain. It was very manageable. When we got to the hospital, we parked and l walked in with Braden, no problem, no wheelchair needed. They took me up to labor and delivery, put us in a room and checked how dilated I was. I was only ONE CENTIMETER....you have to get to TEN! So much for a quick labor… and the waiting began. I should mention I wanted to try to have a natural, no meds birth but I also wasn’t opposed to an epidural if it came down to that. I was just gauging my pain and wanted to do whatever necessary to bring Scarlett into the world safely whichever way that was. So, I refused the epidural because my pain was still tolerable. Every hour they would come in and check me, and every hour I would be about another inch dilated. This went on for about 12 hours and with every inch of dilation the contractions got stronger and stronger and stronger. From check in at 1:15am to 12:45pm it took me to dilate to ten. Somewhere between 8cm and 9cm I decided the pain of my contractions was intolerable and I needed the epidural, I felt good about it. Braden was relieved I wanted to get it because seeing me in pain was pretty much killing him (he’s the best human on the planet btw)! So, the anesthesiologist came in and did the thing with the big needle and it went smoothly or so I thought….here’s when shit hit the fan. When you get an epidural for a vaginal birth you’re supposed to be numb from the waist down. I was numb from my eyelids down. When they tested my numbness, they ran a cold alcohol swab up my body and told me to tell them when I could feel the coldness from the swab. She got to my cheekbone before I could feel it. This next part is a blur for me but Braden has since told me and reminded me what all happened. The anesthesiologist yelled “SHUT IT OFF” she had miscalculated and given me way too much. My blood pressure started plummeting and my body started to go into hypothermia. All I really remember was staring up at Braden, holding his hand and them throwing blankets on me. About 20 nurses and Doctors were in my room and there was a lot of commotion. Braden kept eye contact with me the whole time and just kept telling me everything was going to be okay. I remember so vividly his face being white as a ghost, he was scared and so was I. I remember I just kept repeating “Is the baby ok?” and he would reassure me she was fine. Her heart rate was perfect the whole time, she was relaxed in there. I have never been prouder of my body than in my birth with Scarlett. My body went thru hell and back and it protected my girl. She never went into distress or had any complications even when things really got scary.

So after the epidural overdose, I had to completely come off of it before turning it back on again. I had to start feeling my contractions again. But by this point I’m almost at 10 cm and its time to push…and I’m feeling everything like I never got the stupid epidural in the first place. But we were excited and I was ready to start pushing. I felt good despite the epidural snafu. When it’s time to push, they turn it back on, at a low level. At first everything is going great, I’m pushing and within 20 mins we see Scarlett’s head! We are thrilled, I have Braden on one side and my mom on the other and it’s just a beautiful moment! They give me a mirror so I can look and see her head and get really motivated to push her the rest of the way out. So I keep pushing and pushing and pushing but her head keeps sliding down and then going right back up. By this time it’s getting harder for me to feel my contractions because the epidural has kicked in full force and I’m too numb again. So the Doc suggest we turn it off again because it will be easier for me to push against my contractions if I can feel them full throttle. I’m all for it, at this point I have felt everything anyway so I don’t need the damn epidural. Apparently my body is really sensitive to the epidural and the smallest amount makes me numb to the core. So we turn it off, my body wakes up again and I start feeling all my contractions and I’m like I got this! So I’m pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing. Braden and my mom are there and giving me ice chips and wiping my face with a cool washcloth…helping me every step of the way and encouraging me. You guys, I pushed for FOUR + hours. Just so you know, that’s extremely abnormal. Usually, when its time to push, you push for maybe 2 hours and then they call it and have to take the baby c-section. My mom and Braden had so much concern on their faces and I knew they were worried about me. I was so exhausted I was literally falling asleep in between contractions and pushing. I was delirious but determined to push her out. Scarlett again was perfect, her heart rate was right where it should be and she was completely fine, no sign of distress from the long labor. Once again my body was protecting her. Sacrificing itself, but protecting her at all cost. My eyeball muscles stopped working, yes you read that right. I was straining my eyes while pushing and the muscles in my eyes just gave up. I couldn’t hold my eyeballs steady for 24 hours after labor. That’s how exhausted my body was. My mom and Braden kept exchanging glances and they were both feeling the same way. It was hard for them to watch me put myself thru this. But, after 4 1/2 hours the Doc comes in and says we have to do a C-section. I lost it, I felt so weak and defeated. I pushed for so long to have that glorious moment of pulling my baby out and putting her on my chest and it was ripped away from me. Braden and my mom were both relieved because they knew I wouldn’t have stopped trying to push. My body did everything it could and then some to push her out but it just couldn’t get her out. Well, heres why. Scarlett’s head was stuck on my pelvic bone. I would have literally died trying to push her out. There was no way I could have. The frustrating part about this is, my mom had 5 kids all via C-section because she has a narrow pelvis. I even asked my OBGYN about this! But Scarlett was a big baby, weighing in at 8 pounds 1 oz and 21.5 inches long and I’m a petite person. It just wasn’t going to happen. So now, I had to recover from both a c-section and a vaginal birth….yes that can happen.

Also, when you have a c-section you can only have one person in the room so, we had to say the hardest goodbye to my mom. She was in there for the whole thing and the hours and hours of pushing but now she couldn’t see Scarlett be born. For me, I really wanted to give my mom the gift to be in the room when her granddaughter was born and I couldn’t. She gave Braden a huge hug and gave him some words of encouragement and gave me a hug and rubbed my head and told me she loved me, with no tears. My mom is the MOST emotional person in the world and she wasn’t crying. I was a mess and she was staying strong for me and giving me her strength. Just like I was doing for my daughter. Looking back on it, It was a real full circle moment in my life. I was pulling strength from my mom and giving it to my daughter.

After that, Braden garbed up in the surgical clothes and they got me prepped for surgery which meant…plot twist, turning the epidural back on………..! They wheel me off and Braden is holding my hand the whole walk to the OR. Reassuring me everything was going to be ok and telling me we were going to meet Scarlett in just a few minutes! They don’t let anyone come in the room when they are getting everything set up for surgery so I had to say bye to him while they set me up on the OR table. It was the longest 10 minutes of both of our lives. Him waiting outside the door feeling so nervous, and me feeling so alone and scared. Finally they let him in and he rushed to my side. You would have thought we had been separated for days the way he held me. I honestly can’t say enough how amazing my husband is. He stayed so strong and stoic for me. Little did I know, while he was waiting outside the OR door he was losing it. Crying and letting it all out, he had stayed so strong and steady for me and didn’t want me to see him getting upset because it would have upset me. He took such good care of me during labor and birth. In the days after birth he did things for me and took care of me in ways I couldn’t even have imagined. I couldn’t shower alone for a week after birth. I couldn’t walk up the stairs alone. He bathed me, wiped me, and told me I was beautiful the whole time. He really is a saint. God gave me the best gift when he gave me a husband like Braden.

So, we are ready. It’s about to happen, we are so excited and anxious to meet our baby girl. But there was one thing (the epidural strikes again) my right side wasn’t numb and I kept telling the anesthesiologist this. When they started the epidural back up they started it really low because we learned my body had a very high reaction to the drug right? Well, my right side didn’t get numb before they cut into me. I felt it on my right side when they cut me open to get Scarlett out. When you have a c-section they attach your hands to table, spread out like jesus was on the cross. It’s a very unsettling position to be in. I was shaking uncontrollably because I was in so much pain. The anesthesiologist kept telling me it would even out and get numb, I couldn’t see her but Braden said she kept looking at her paper and up at the screen like she didn’t know what to do. I feel compelled to say, for some people epidurals are amazing and really help them get thru labor. It just wasn’t that way for me. It was pretty traumatic for us to say the least. I can’t really describe what it’s like to feel getting cut open but you can probably imagine. But Braden, just kept telling me we were going to see her, get to kiss her and see her little toes and fingers. That kept me strong, thinking about our perfect little baby girl. The excitement of meeting my baby got me thru the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, unimaginable pain. Thinking about meeting her was all I needed. A few minutes go by and I hear the Dr. say “ OH MY GOSH SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL” and that’s when I hear the most beautiful noise my ears have ever heard. My baby girls cry. Braden said “SHE’S HERE!!! SHE’S HERE!!! BABY SHE’S HERE AND SHE’S PERFECT!!” The look on his face is a look I will have etched in my memory for the rest of my life, seeing him see her for the first time. The nurses wiped her off and all I could see was her little feet and I remember thinking, those are the most beautiful little feet. They brought her over to me and put her face right beside my head. I pulled her in and put her cheek up against mine. I stroked her face, told her Mama loved her so much and that she did so good. I just felt like I needed to tell her she did so good, birth is traumatic for babies and that’s probably why it’s not something we are meant to remember as we get older. That moment, cheek to cheek with my girl and Braden right beside us. Talk about euphoria. There is no other experience in my life that can come close to that moment. The moment we became a family. It felt like my heart was living outside my body and in this baby girl, and it still feels like that to this day. No, It wasn’t what I always imagined, I didn’t get to push her out and have THAT moment but OUR moment was pretty damn perfect and euphoric. Our moment was more than anything I could have even imagined. And when we were cheek to cheek for the first time, it didn’t matter to me how she got here. I forgot about all the pain and trauma instantly. She was here and she was healthy and perfect. My body did exactly what it needed to do, it brought my baby into the world healthy and strong. 17 hours of active labor, 4.5 of those hours pushing, and one painful c-section later we got our beautiful Scarlett James, I would do it 1,000 times over because the end result is our amazing baby girl!

Sometimes in life, things don’t go exactly “as planned” and things don’t look like what we thought they would and that is OK. It took me a year to get to this point, where I could talk about my birth story and not get upset with myself. I was really hard on myself initially about having to have a c-section, I really felt like my body didn’t do what it was put on earth to do as a woman. A big part of the reason I wanted to write this and share our birth story is because I knew it would help me heal. And it has helped me, writing this story has been very therapeutic to say the least. Seeing it all in black and white and seeing what all I did to bring a healthy baby into the world, it’s finally clear to me as a woman and a mother, not only did my body do what it was supposed to do but it did it all while protecting my baby from feeling any distress or pain. How can I be anything but proud?